Where’s Wifey? – Part Two: Excuses and Contradictions

Excuses are employed by Black males when challenged to take on this responsibility.  One that I was really surprised to hear was:  “[I’m] not going to just marry some woman that hears her clock ticking after her best years were spent on her back.”

This excuse illustrates my point exactly!  On her back with who?, I ask.  Take responsibility that she’s spending the best years with YOU. (not you per se… YOU/ME/WE collectively). Why do we allow this to happen?  Oh, it is all HER fault, right?…

Another excuse, “We don’t set the standard for women.”

Herein, lies the problem.  Are we willing to accept this dysfunction and simply point the finger at the women? That’s weak!.. However, it is symptomatic;  illustrating how Black males have been marginalized to the point where they now believe that they do not have any control over their interaction with their own woman.  Examine ourstory and you’ll find that we set the standards for each other.

Again, I’m not trying to remove the burden entirely from women. I simply refuse to place it solely on women. It is a shared responsibility.

Here’s where the conversation typically turns into circular debate.  The commonly held position is that if Black women demanded more of Black men, then they would be more willing to commit to them. right?…

I counter that point by stating… WE SHOULD DEMAND MORE OUT OF OURSELVES.

Furthermore, the lame Black males’ conversations on about his feelings about his women are usually laced with insane contradictions.

I had a conversation with a self-described “playa”  who said, “I never commit myself to them I tell them in the door what I am on.” …then a later in the same conversation he further states, “Yet so many women have been tainted into thinking that most men are dogs.”

First, does he think that he is the only one who runs that line?  Second, do you think he’s even considered that it is him (and those like him) that are doing the “tainting”?

One day, he’ll find himself ready to marry.  And when that day comes he’ll be selecting from a pool of women that he(we) have tainted.  This, in turn, provides the rationale the Black male needs openly to seek “wifey” candidates outside his community.

Somehow, his woman is good enough to father his children, but somehow not quite good enough to marry.

Let me see if I can address this from another angle.

Would you let your daughter deal with the likes of you? (you – a self described playa who refuses to commit and is so self-centered that you think your imminent betrayal is alright since you told her from the beginning.)

If the answer is “no”, then understand that the same way you want to protect your daughter from predators is the same way you want to protect ALL your women. This is whether you feel they are grown enough to make decisions for themselves or not.

“I am We”…. we should look at all our women as the mothers, daughters and wives of our community.

The emotional damage that the Black male complains about doesn’t simply come from a man who has been unfaithful within a committed relationship. It also is derived from men who are simply looking for a bed-partner. So, although, you may be honest, in her mind, “you(we) are a dog”. (Keeping mind that doesn’t make you less desirable at the moment and a “dog” might just what she’s seeking.)   The consequences are you’ve contributed to her belief, bolstered her independence and regulated yourself to where she’ll only needs you for ONE thing.

That’s not her fault.  It’s yours.

-Lazarus

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