Where’s Wifey? – Part Two: Excuses and Contradictions

Where’s Wifey? – Part Two:  Excuses and Contradictions 

Excuses are employed by Black males when challenged to take on this responsibility.  One that I was really surprised to hear was:  ”[I'm] not going to just marry some woman that hears her clock ticking after her best years were spent on her back.”

This excuse illustrates my point exactly!  On her back with who?, I ask.  Take responsibility that she’s spending the best years with YOU. (not you per se… YOU/ME/WE collectively). Why do we allow this to happen?  Oh, it is all HER fault, right?…

Another excuse, “We don’t set the standard for women.”

Herein, lies the problem.  Are we willing to accept this dysfunction and simply point the finger at the women? That’s weak!.. However, it is symptomatic;  illustrating how Black males have been marginalized to the point where they now believe that they do not have any control over their interaction with their own woman.  Examine ourstory and you’ll find that we set the standards for each other.

Again, I’m not trying to remove the burden entirely from women. I simply refuse to place it solely on women. It is a shared responsibility.

Here’s where the conversation typically turns into circular debate.  The commonly held position is that if Black women demanded more of Black men, then they would be more willing to commit to them. right?…

I counter that point by stating… WE SHOULD DEMAND MORE OUT OF OURSELVES.

Furthermore, the lame Black males’ conversations on about his feelings about his women are usually laced with insane contradictions.

I had a conversation with a self-described “playa”  who said, “I never commit myself to them I tell them in the door what I am on.” …then a later in the same conversation he further states, “Yet so many women have been tainted into thinking that most men are dogs.”

First, does he think that he is the only one who runs that line?  Second, do you think he’s even considered that it is him (and those like him) that are doing the “tainting”?

One day, he’ll find himself ready to marry.  And when that day comes he’ll be selecting from a pool of women that he(we) have tainted.  This, in turn, provides the rationale the Black male needs openly to seek “wifey” candidates outside his community.

Somehow, his woman is good enough to father his children, but somehow not quite good enough to marry.

Let me see if I can address this from another angle.

Would you let your daughter deal with the likes of you? (you – a self described playa who refuses to commit and is so self-centered that you think your imminent betrayal is alright since you told her from the beginning.)

If the answer is “no”, then understand that the same way you want to protect your daughter from predators is the same way you want to protect ALL your women. This is whether you feel they are grown enough to make decisions for themselves or not.

“I am We”…. we should look at all our women as the mothers, daughters and wives of our community.

The emotional damage that the Black male complains about doesn’t simply come from a man who has been unfaithful within a committed relationship. It also is derived from men who are simply looking for a bed-partner. So, although, you may be honest, in her mind, “you(we) are a dog”. (Keeping mind that doesn’t make you less desirable at the moment and a “dog” might just what she’s seeking.)   The consequences are you’ve contributed to her belief, bolstered her independence and regulated yourself to where she’ll only needs you for ONE thing.

That’s not her fault.  It’s yours.

-Lazarus

Where’s Wifey?

I’m tired of hearing the Black male complain about the problems with his Black woman. The problem is that we have been prodigal with our resources. He has extended his sexual adolescence into his mid-thirties by refusing to commit. He has boosted his fragile ego by the quantity of his sexual conquests. What is between his legs has become the measure of his manhood.  Finally, when the lame Black male is ready to start a family, he is audacious enough to complain that his own women have too many problems.  Somehow, now, he is the one who is growing impatient?   The emotional baggage he’s not man enough to deal with, is in many cases given to them by us!  We cannot continue to collectively, “dog-out” our women and then turn around and complain that there is shortage of “wifey” material.

We have to change our collective mindset.

“Where’s Wifey?”, you may ask. …Well, Wifey got a “three-piece” and absent father(s) to her children. You missed your opportunity to make her your Queen!  We are squandering our most precious resource. She’s surviving without you. She doesn’t trust you. She believes she doesn’t need you.

You can be a man and work hard regain that trust or you can walk away. Which will it be?…When discussing this issue with Black males, I here often hear the same excuses.  I hear statements like

” I can see if the majority of women were good, wifey material, but that’s not the case. I know good brothas that just don’t want to settle down with some club hoppin’ tramp, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

I contend that it is the collective behavior of us men that creates a disproportionate amount of, as you put it, “club hoppin’ tramps”. (And let’s be real, you ain’t looking for wifey in the club anyway.) The point I’m trying to make is that the if “so-called good brother looking to settle down” examined his past and present behavior (post adolescence) he may find that he (and/or his peers) have contributed to the emotional wreckage of the potential “wifey” pool. -Cause and Effect.

Furthermore, I want to make clear that the spirit of this essay is not to point to the shortage of “good” Black women. (because I do not believe that is the case.) I’m placing the defense, honor, and protection of our women in the collective hands of the Black man.

Consider that this weekend’s one-night stand, could be someone’s future wife.

We should be actively seeking our complement and not our next conquest.

The Black family is in crisis.  The tragic consequence of this mentality is that we are no longer building strong family units. The strength of a people can be measured by the strength of its families. When we speak of our nation, we must understand that the family is a microcosm of the macrocosm.

“Destroy families and you destroy the nation; build strong families and you build a strong nation.” – Ashanti proverb

The goal of “… having all the sex you want… with as many different women you want….” is expected behavior from adolescent MALES. It is selfish and myopic!  GROW-UP!

Not willing to be(or not being able to be) responsible for anyone except yourself is not what our community needs of its MEN.

We speak of manhood, but I think we have an ill-formed definition. A MAN does not have be offered incentives to recognize and accept his responsibilities.

Are we so emasculated that it is a commonly held belief that we are not NEEDED? Just because Black women have/are relying on themselves does not excuse Black men from their responsibilities as her complement. (Utengano) The Black woman has been in survival-mode for centuries and has been the backbone of the family unit because the Black man has been under constant physical and sociopolitical attack. She is looking for the return of the functional Black man to his role within the family unit. How many more generations can we afford to go without him?  It is a shame that Black women are being raised to believe that they must be her own self-contained support system.  It is a shame that so-called Black men see this strength and interpret it as a pardon for his responsibilities. (“My Mama raised me by herself…” is a common rationalization.)

My plea:  Be a MAN and recognize and accept your responsibility to your nation, to your woman, to your children(born or unborn).  It is not acceptable for so-called men to continue to amass sexual conquests long past adolescence; to be busy pacifying the ego while at the same time, eroding the trust of their complement.

Of course, women bear some of the responsibility; however this is addressed to YOU, Black male.

Yes, of course, “It takes two to Tango”. However, (building off of that Euro-centric cliché) as conscious Black people, we need to start dancing a DIFFERENT DANCE altogether.

The cycle must be broken and reversed.  -And it begins with the Black MAN.

-Lazarus

Privilege of Choice

Many biracial people believe they possess what is called the “privilege of choice”.

It’s important to note that being biracial does not exclude one from the warrior class.  However, the tragic mulatto is altogether different.   I want to be clear on this distinction.

The tragedy of the “tragic mulatto” is their attempt to divest themselves physically, culturally, spiritually from anything that even resembles our ancestors. Their attempts amalgamate, assimilate, and sub-integrate, will ultimately result in a permanent minority status within the framework of white-supremacist Western society.

The “tragic mulatto” is one the many consequences of interracial coupling.

-Lazarus

“Lord willing and the Creek don’t rise.”

 “Lord willing and the Creek don’t rise.” was a saying commonly said at church, when one member would ask another if they would be there on the following Sunday. They would respond, “Lord willing and the Creek don’t rise.” This has nothing to do with the actual body of water.

You see, this was set back in the days of the Creek Indians. The [European invaders]Settlers were afraid that the Creek would rise up and retaliate against the settlers for invading their land. Hence, the saying, “Lord willing and the Creek don’t rise!”

Here’s another saying…

“Prostitution is the world’s oldest profession.”

This one is particularly amusing to me. One that should never be stated by a Black person because it is taken out of a ourstorical and cultural context. It is important not to get caught up into eurocentric interpetations of reality. So, the next time someone talks about the oldest profession in the world. You need to stand up and ask, “Who’s world?!”

-Lazarus

WWYAD?

What Would Your Ancestors Do?

What are some of the lessons we can learn from our ancestors and apply today?

Considering that our ancestor’s motivation was not based on personal safety or selfish individualism. –and they considered the impact of their actions on future generations…

Do you ask yourself, “How is what I am doing going to help my children’s, children’s, great great grandchildren?”

-Lazarus

Circle of Influence

As I strive to be a better Husband-Father-Son-Brother-Friend (in that order). It is incumbent upon me to also educate; sharing lessons learned.

When I’ve made a difference in the lives of every Black person I know, then I will expand my circle of influence; encompassing more and more of my community. It is my firm belief that If every Afrikan man did this, we would build our Nation through strong families and healthy relationships.

The diameter of my circle of influence should match circle of concern. 

-Lazarus

What do you do for a living?

What I do “for a living” and what I do for a paycheck, I’ve found, are two different things.

A better question would be… “What must I do for a living?”

For a living … I must feed my mind and soul.  And then dispense that knowledge, love, and self-respect to my community.

I must be a doer, a nationbuilder, a maker of my people’s way, a perimeter defender of our most precious rescources (our children, our women, our elders), … A Warrior-Scholar, an Asafo Nyansafo, a Jegna, a Mwalimu.¹

Build your Afrikan resumé!
(Warriors Wanted – Unqualified candidates need not apply.)

 -Lazarus

¹Medase pa to Obadele Kambon and Mwalimu K. Bomani Baruti for these concepts.